I’m trouble

A reminder to myself, tomorrow or next time I need something to remind me of whom I really am. Because, sometimes, the humanity in me, even just the drop that’s left in there somewhere, feels the need to connect or attach. There is no point in making up stories, I never had it hard, I just tend to always create the worst situations myself, and every year of my life has added to an amount of mistakes. I analyze people around me to learn how it is like to be normal. I can’t feel it, I can only act it.
Thank God I’m pretty, but no one has ever stepped behind that and I can’t tell someone a secret, because I believe that no one is able to really listen. I am cold towards any human being and almost all the people I love the most are already dead, which reminds me always how getting close to someone could be dangerous for my well being. I am never happy, nor I think I ever was or will be. It is probably because I think too much, thoughts pretty much ruin every moment. I don’t know…
A reminder on the edge of a bridge, the sky, the river and me: to feel forever like the morning of the first day I arrived here unattached. I always feel the need of change. I can’t ever let you catch me, you will never set me free. So I run away, to the new and unknown.






BLA: I was planning to write more lately, only when I tried to do so, I managed to forget my password. But everything is recovered now and I will post more often than once a year:)

I'm back!

I owe nothing to this world I don't believe in. I know, I've said goodbye so many times before, only to realise that I am not ready to leave yet. What a mistake, I wonder if mistakes are all I ever made to the point that they became to feel like the right thing to do. The same stories come with different thoughts around the clock. Are you done counting your scars, because I'm done counting mine. Do you think that we have enough so we can get a second go?

I know it's early and it's too hard to think. And the broken, empty bottles are a reminder in the sink. But I thought... that I should tell you, if it's not too late now: I could put back all the pieces! They might not fit the same, but nothing's worth losing especially the chance to make it right. And I know that we are going to be fine. The tattooed mistakes are going to fade over time, because as long as we live time passes by...

The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear.

Real pain is not the one that we scream out loud, the one that we can easily tell over a cup of tea at a friend's house on a late summer evening. I mean, it is not the one that we preach, because there is no good lesson to learn from it. Instead, it is the pain we hide and keep deep inside of us and the one that we seem to just not be able to cry out on one's shoulder. It is the one that is implemented so deep, that we just hold it away from others' eyes, just like an ugly scar.

What have we done to deserve it? We don't know. How did we manage to see the day after? Again, we don't know.

Real pain is the one that is stitched so deep under your skin and into your every cell, but still manages to get out bit by bit at times, through a look, a word, melody or scent. And once you recognize it, you try to run off and never look back. Oh, but we can't hide from it anywhere, we can't just run away from what's inside of us...

It is only after we've seen true pain and survived it that we are finally able to tell Heaven from Hell.

There is no place like home

Hundreds of thoughts running through my head.. hundreds of colors running before my eyes...
I'm leaving today, I can't describe the feeling...
I'm sedated, it's like a bad dream where you are calling someone and they can't hear you, then you try to scream but when you open your mouth there is no sound.. It is soo quiet around, every cell in my body is filled with sadness.

As I was packing, it felt like I was preparing my death, every memory went through my mind from the beginning 'til the end... It is my death- socially.

I slept the last hours before... I felt soo tired and I'm wondering if it was from the thoughts that went soo fast through my mind, or was it because sleep was my only escape from the ocean of sadness that filled my soul.

With tears in my eyes, I only remember happy times, as I'm closer with every step to the unknown... A place I've never been before, and as I was climbing the steps... I envisioned myself running back... to you! Home!

I know! My heart broke in pieces... but I know where they are... Well, they are where my friends are, the people I care about, they are where I want to be... because there is no place like home.